Don’t Wait to Advocate

We have all heard the now cliched quote "Don't wait for the perfect moment, take the moment and make it perfect." While agreeing with the sentiment as a whole I always bristle at the thought that perfection is ever the goal that we are shooting for. More often than not it represents a trap filled with disappointment and it can even lead to shame. We can't create perfection, nor do we want to. There are always things we can't control and each moment is filled with many small opportunities for learning and growth if we can see them.

Now I also understand that this quote is likely more about procrastination than anything. It's amazing the excuses we will make to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that come when we start owning our own lives. As a licensed therapist who works with couples and individuals in the grips of drama I am often confronted with this very dilemma being faced by my clients. Here is a common example of a scenario I see. Partner A leaves a cereal bowl on the counter or dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. Partner B has the following inner dialogue:

• Why won't my partner clean up after themselves? -They drive me crazy!

• I promised myself that I would never let my house look this way.

• Well if they won't clean up I guess I'll have to do it myself.

Partner B then proceeds to clean up after Partner A and ends up feeling some form of resentment toward Partner A for the rest of the day and maybe longer.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that healthy boundaries might be needed here. We are always teaching people around us how to treat us through our behavior and actions, big and small. When we don't advocate for ourselves and the life we want we are telling others that we are okay with the impact their choices have on us. That we are okay playing small.

That said, why, when discussing setting boundaries and advocating for change with frustrated Partner B, do I constantly hear the following? "I have a hard time really asking for my partner to to be more tidy when I myself am not better at it." Now, I am all for modeling the behavior that we would like to see in others but when pressed on this I generally hear some semblance of, "I feel like I have to be perfect before I ask or if not I will be seen as a hypocrite." This could not be farther from the truth. While we cannot make others change and we cannot control how they may respond to our advocating for the lives we want, we do get to choose whether our actions have the fruit of resentment or whether they have the fruit of accountability and growth.

It is a very vulnerable thing to share with others what is important to you in terms of how you would like them to treat you. That includes how they treat the world you live in. It is a loving gesture to clearly and openly share with them what that looks like. That means not waiting until you yourself is perfect at doing something before can you ask. That is a guarantee that it will never happen. I often tell my clients to not wait to advocate when it comes to their personal rights in a relationship. When we share out of a place of imperfection we give permission for others to not be perfect but to be in a learning and growing place. We hold them and ourselves accountable for being better. When we do so with self compassion we develop a greater compassion for the other also.

My call is for anyone out there who is hustling and exhausting themselves to be absolutely perfect before honoring and standing up for the life that they want to stop waiting, and start advocating now for the changes you would like to see in their life. It will be uncomfortable at first but it will yield personal growth, confidence, and connection.

Please contact me for more information on my relationship counseling and growth mindset resources.